A No-Good, Very-Bad Day

This is a picture of my brother Mike from 2006, who was three years older than me, and took his own life almost three years ago when he was 57 years old, almost 58. I recently passed my 58th birthday, so I have now outlived my brother.

I had expected that by now, I'd be over the loss and doing well, but it's not working out that way. I don't know if I will ever "get over" his suicide. I've given up trying to get over it and am trying to move to some new reality, but I can't go back to being the happy nitwit that I used to be.

I dragged my heels so much on going through his probate, but recently finished it. I tend to procrastinate on things I don't want to do, so procrastinated my head off, but time goes on and eventually even the most hurtful truths have to be confronted. Today I gathered up all the folders and paperwork regarding his estate and put it in a banker's box. The task just made me extremely angry, as thinking about his death usually does. After the energy of the anger goes away, the depression is there. It feels wrong, like I'm leaving him behind.

I've come to realize recently that the only thing that would make all this crap from the past few years worthwhile would be if my brother prayed to accept Christ just before he took his life. I could see him doing that as a precaution. Otherwise all this pain and suffering is pretty meaningless. At this point, that's the one ray of hope I'm holding onto--if I see him in heaven, and hopefully my dad also, this pain will all fade away.

Sometimes the anger is so overwhelming--anger at Mike, anger at God, anger at myself. It comes and goes. And yet I know that God loves me and loves Mike more than I can ever know. Today this verse was helpful:

Even to your old age and gray hairs
I am he, I am he who will sustain you.
I have made you and I will carry you;
I will sustain you and I will rescue you.

Is. 46:4, NIV

Note: Obviously not one of my better days--just needed to rant.

My Current Favorite Video

Combining two of my favorites: the song Broadsword by Jethro Tull and footage from Lord of the Rings--Outstanding!



This video is from user ShakeZulla1099 at YouTube.

Happy New Year 2010!

Wow, a new decade already! Hope it's a good one--

For Jane Austen lovers, there will be a production of "Emma" on PBS starting on January 24th. For stitchers, the "Emma Project" will be featured at www.thesamplergirl.com, something to stitch while watching Emma--what could be better?

Happy 2010!

Another CS Finish for Charity

Finally, another cross stitch finish (these have been a little few and far between!). This is another one that will be going to the Yahoo group Cross Stitching for Charity for Cole's Quilts. This is from Walt Disney Characters in Counted Cross Stitch, Paragon Needlecraft, 1980, which I found on Ebay. The whole quilt will be of Disney characters.

I had kind of gotten away from cross stitch, which was my first love in needlework, and find that I'm now enjoying it again.

Today is National Survivors of Suicide Day, so go hug the people you love--

A Cross Stitch Finish

I finished this Dragon Baby by Ellen Maurer-Stroh for the Yahoo Group Cross Stitching For Charity. It took me a little over a month to finish this. A number of people are working on similar animal babies from the same collection, and these will be made into a quilt or a fabric book to donate to a sick child through the organization Love Quilts. I took this picture outside because my flash wasn't working right, and the fabric came out looking light blue, but it's actually white.

I used to do a lot of cross stitching, but it takes a lot of concentration to keep following the pattern. I think I'll take a break and do some crocheting for a while for my other Yahoo Group Crafting For A Cause. I've been making "saltines" for this group (the first two rounds of a granny square), which will then be sent to one of the members, who makes them into gorgeous shawls to sent to the Pine Ridge Indian Reservation. Saltines are fun and quick to make, and a good way to use up stash--fun to do while watching TV.

Maggie Teagan

Here's our little Scottie princess, Maggie Teagan. She's just home from the groomer, and is a little bummed out that I'm following her around, trying to take her picture!

For Christmas, we put up our 6-7 foot artificial tree that we always put up. My husband ran in a road race where they gave out little 2-foot Christmas trees to the participants. Since we already had our tree up, we decided to give the little tree to Maggie (it was a Scottish pine). She had SOOO much fun with that tree! She dragged it all over the yard and ripped all the branches off, so that eventually she was just dragging around a long stick. She'd take the branches and toss them up in the air. The tree is still in the yard, and she's still having fun dragging it around! I'm pretty sure that we'll be starting a new tradition of buying Maggie her own little tree every Christmas--I've never seen a dog have so much fun with a tree!

Baby Afghan

This is an afghan I made for the new baby of some friends at church. I actually finished it before Christmas, but it took me this long to finally take pictures of it so I could give it to the baby! I made it in shades of light purple and gold, the colors of the college that the baby's father went to, the same college where my husband teaches and my two sons work (one in the admissions office and the other in the bookstore). Maybe someday, Zoe will decide to go to this college--or not--whatever she decides is fine. This was made with many prayers and good wishes.

Medieval Times

We had a great time on Thursday evening. We had several birthdays to celebrate and decided to go to Medieval Times in Buena Park. We've lived in the area for over 30 years, but have never gone before. It was hard coordinating six people's schedules and finding a time when everybody was well! We had a great time--really enjoyed it. There are several locations throughout the U.S., and if you haven't gone before, I would highly recommend it. It's a little pricey, but well worth it. The horses were just gorgeous, and if you get there early, you can see them in their stalls before the show. One of the Andalusian horses was pure white, and in the light, it looked like it was absolutely glowing! All of the horses were really well trained. There was even a falconer with a falcon that flew all around the arena. The food was good, and the show was a lot of fun. Well worth going to, especially if you have kids or grandkids!

My 9-11 Story

I'll explain the cute quilt above in a moment (click on the orange strip above if you can't see the quilt). It was NOT made by me, but was made by Jeanie, a member of Cross Stitching For Charity, a Yahoo Group.

9-11 was the first anniversary of my brother's suicide, and I've been really dreading it. I've been really stressed about it for at least a couple of months before 9-11. My brother was an emergency room nurse, and I believe the date 9-11 appealed to his cynical sense of humor. The day was really awful. I know something of his activities during that day, and it was just a horrible day of counting down what he was doing and thinking throughout the day, leading up to 8 PM, which is when the coroner placed the time of death. I felt really down all day, wondering what in the heck I'm doing on this planet and what good can I possibly have to accomplish at this point. Anyway, the day ended on a happier note--some time after 8, I was checking out my two favorite Yahoo groups, Crafting For A Cause and Cross Stitching For Charity. I noticed on CSFC, that Jeanie had posted about the frog quilt, which I had stitched the Sanrio Keroppi frog for, so I checked, and she had posted a picture of the quilt that had been finished from the different frog cross stitch pictures that were sent in from different members (my Keroppi frog is in the next-to-last row in the middle)! It was such a pick-me-up to see the finished quilt with my crazy little frog in it. Not only that, but she gave a link regarding the young girl the frog quilt is going to, and I hope you'll pray for her. Her name is Taylor, and she's a young teenager who was badly burned in a fire in April 2008. Here are a couple of links where you can read about her:

http://www.prayfortay.com/
http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/taylorstrand

Hopefully in the next week or so, she will be well enough to be transferred to a specialized burn unit where she can receive more intensive care that will help her to heal faster. I can't imagine anything more painful or disfiguring than being burned over 70% of your body!

Anyway, while I'm certainly not saying I'm in any way happy about Taylor's predicament, God used the situation to lift up my spirits and show me that I can still hopefully do some good in this messed-up world!

Two Glasses of Wine

A friend sent me this in an email, so it might be something you've already read from somewhere. I'm not claiming to be the author! I like the sentiment, and thought I'd pass it on:
____________________________________________________________

TWO GLASSES OF WINE

When things in your life seem almost too much to handle, when 24 hours in a day are not enough, remember the mayonnaise jar and the 2 glasses of wine theory...

A professor stood before his philosophy class with some items on his desk in front of him. When the class began, wordlessly, he picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with golf balls.

He then asked the students if the jar was full. They agreed that it was.

The professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles rolled into the open areas between the golf balls. He then asked the students again if the jar was full. They agreed it was.

The professor next picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else. He asked once more if the jar was full. The students responded with a unanimous 'YES.'

The professor then produced two glasses of wine from under the table and poured the entire contents into the jar, effectively filling the empty space between the sand. The students laughed.

'Now,' said the professor, as the laughter subsided, 'I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life. The golf balls are the important things; your family, your children, your health, your friends, and your favorite passions; things that if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full. The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house, and your car. The sand is everything else; the small stuff. If you put the sand into the jar first', he continued, 'there is no room for the pebbles or the golf balls. The same goes for life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff, you will never have room for the good things that are important to you. Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Play with your children. Take time to get medical checkups. Take your partner out to dinner. Play another 18 holes. Do one more run down the ski slope. There will always be time to clean the house and fix the disposal. Take care of the golf balls first; the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand.'

One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the wine represented. The professor smiled. 'I'm glad you asked. It just goes to show you that no matter how full your life may seem, there's always room for a couple of glasses of wine with a friend.'